Sunday, June 5, 2011
Sacred
Today, I am sacred. Today, I represent life. Today, I am connected to all that is real, truth, holy. Today I am in touch. Today, I am the earth's representation of fertility, renewal, and even death.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
"You can't hide from the truth...
...cause the truth is all there is."-Handsom Boy Modeling School, "The Truth"
I have to say, I disagree with this statement, although I'd love for it to be true. People hide from the truth every day, constantly desperate to escape reality. It's absolutely natural and healthy. The problem enters when people try to impose their fantasies on others and pass them off as reality and truth. Honestly, no one knows the truth. All we have are best guesses.
I was once arrogant enough to think that I knew, for sure, too. I was so certain. I felt it with every breath I took; intensity. Every step I took; sacred. Every word I spoke; holy. It was so wonderful, beautiful, amazing... and then it burned out, like a supernova, as all good things do. The reason? Because it required uncritical and unquestioning faith.
How can you enjoy the supernova with your eyes closed? You can't. You start to wonder what you've missed when you hear it. You open your eyes and find yourself enamoured by the beauty and power. You're angry and bitter at those who convinced you to close your eyes for 18 years of your short life. You get over it. It might take a few years, but pretty soon, you just start to feel sorry for your oppressors. They're all too blinded by their own glory to see the truth, or at least as much of it as humanly possible. They've created mythologies and stories to warn you of the danger of opening your eyes...they've spent so much energy trying to keep you as afraid as they are.
It starts coming back to you, finally, four years later. The anger and bitterness is replaced with sympathy for their ignorance. You feel their judgement, you hear their words, and initially it invokes anger, but after a few moments, that falls away, and all you're left with is love for them.
How sad, that they are going to live their short lives completely blinded. The truth is so much bigger than white; it's black, white, and all colors in between. It's beautiful, it's pain, it's everything. It's not some childish notion of good and evil. It's so much bigger than that.
Every day, I try to throw caution to the wind and accept myself. Every day, when I feel judgment coming from someone and I'm hesitant, I just say fuck it, and let it hang loose...let myself out of my cage. That is the only way to be alive.
I have to say, I disagree with this statement, although I'd love for it to be true. People hide from the truth every day, constantly desperate to escape reality. It's absolutely natural and healthy. The problem enters when people try to impose their fantasies on others and pass them off as reality and truth. Honestly, no one knows the truth. All we have are best guesses.
I was once arrogant enough to think that I knew, for sure, too. I was so certain. I felt it with every breath I took; intensity. Every step I took; sacred. Every word I spoke; holy. It was so wonderful, beautiful, amazing... and then it burned out, like a supernova, as all good things do. The reason? Because it required uncritical and unquestioning faith.
How can you enjoy the supernova with your eyes closed? You can't. You start to wonder what you've missed when you hear it. You open your eyes and find yourself enamoured by the beauty and power. You're angry and bitter at those who convinced you to close your eyes for 18 years of your short life. You get over it. It might take a few years, but pretty soon, you just start to feel sorry for your oppressors. They're all too blinded by their own glory to see the truth, or at least as much of it as humanly possible. They've created mythologies and stories to warn you of the danger of opening your eyes...they've spent so much energy trying to keep you as afraid as they are.
It starts coming back to you, finally, four years later. The anger and bitterness is replaced with sympathy for their ignorance. You feel their judgement, you hear their words, and initially it invokes anger, but after a few moments, that falls away, and all you're left with is love for them.
How sad, that they are going to live their short lives completely blinded. The truth is so much bigger than white; it's black, white, and all colors in between. It's beautiful, it's pain, it's everything. It's not some childish notion of good and evil. It's so much bigger than that.
Every day, I try to throw caution to the wind and accept myself. Every day, when I feel judgment coming from someone and I'm hesitant, I just say fuck it, and let it hang loose...let myself out of my cage. That is the only way to be alive.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
irony
...and isn't it interesting how the victimized always oppresses those within it's ranks under the hiding itself in guise of martyrdom?
Bravery
Isn't it funny the effect that bitching someone out can sometimes have on you? I don't know, lately I feel so liberated. I am so tired of hiding who I am or what I am feeling for the sake of someone else. I mean, don't get me wrong, I do think that it is important to be considerate. But when it interferes with your own health, there is a problem. So, then,someone was being a total douche bag, and I turned into a total bitch in return. That one small thing has led to a wonderful experience of exposing myself to a community that I never thought I would have the bravery to face. I spent years running from them, trying to be someone else. Hiding from them because there were so many and they all felt so big that I just needed a sense of myself...of me, my own peace. I needed the "comfort of my own protection"...but now, I'm done running. I can't live my life in darkness so that I don't hurt someone. I'm going to be me, and you are just going to have to deal with it.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Tea and Coffee.
A long day, a good day. Started it off with Tara Stiles' yoga routines and coffee, my morning ritual of breakfast and feeding the animals. It has been raining for 3 days straight.
Headed off to class, then to work.
I'm ending the day with a cup of chamomile tea.
Headed off to class, then to work.
I'm ending the day with a cup of chamomile tea.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
"Emotions are ephemeral, like flowers and beauty; when they appear, it is our duty to appreciate them."
One moment I'm up, the next moment I'm down. One moment I feel so powerless in a system, a government, that appears to be increasingly designed to make it's people lethargic and dependent on it. I see the deaths, the hate crimes, the sexism in our society and it makes me cringe with desperation and anger. I feel so powerless to stop it. The only way to ease the pain is to further the hate and increase the negativity.
There are points in yoga that actually make me feel a certain way. They must be triggering a gland to release a certain hormone, because a stretch can make me want to cry, a bend can make me feel elated, powerful. A sequence can give me life again, breathing through me.
I can feel anxious,powerless,dispairing, hoplessness, emptyness, hopefullness, elation, empowered, numb, bland, excited, happy, tired, energized, peaceful, calm, and everything else imaginable all throughout 1 day. The only thing I can do throughout these rapidly changing emotions is take them in, breathe them in, appreciate them, and let them go.
There are points in yoga that actually make me feel a certain way. They must be triggering a gland to release a certain hormone, because a stretch can make me want to cry, a bend can make me feel elated, powerful. A sequence can give me life again, breathing through me.
I can feel anxious,powerless,dispairing, hoplessness, emptyness, hopefullness, elation, empowered, numb, bland, excited, happy, tired, energized, peaceful, calm, and everything else imaginable all throughout 1 day. The only thing I can do throughout these rapidly changing emotions is take them in, breathe them in, appreciate them, and let them go.
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